(no subject)
May. 30th, 2005 02:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeI've managed to exhaust myself in little under forty-five minutes working on the large pile of laundry that has sat in the corner of my room since my mother left a year ago for the hospital. It's mostly all her sheets. Yesterday, I banged out the large collection of my clothes that needed to be washed, but all of this is remainders of her.
Combine that with being forced to leave her couch on the side of the road in South Philadelphia because it wouldn't fit through Thee Pumpkin Girl's door, the fact that the pagan group I've been a member of for four years just broke up tonight, I'm slightly sick and bordering on PMS and you have an extraordinarily unhappy and depressed Tara.
There's been a lot of change brewing, something which I don't deal well with, even under normal circumstances. Even when it's good change, like getting my leopard-print couch back after five years or being gifted with a lovely and enormous bookcase.
I'm constantly startled by walking into different rooms in this apartment because things are so different. It's not always a good feeling, usually very unsettling. It's always the feeling of this isn't where I'm supposed to be that brushes up against my face, like walking through a hanging spiderweb in the dark. That uncomfortable shiver and uncontrollable brief moment of panic.
Maybe it's just me.
---
stolen from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
disastrid
six songs that mean something to me (however, I'm going to cheat and name 13):
1. American Pie - Don McLean
Some of my most cherished memories of my mother are of us singing this song together in her car. It's happened more than once, which is why I saw 'some of my most', rather than 'one of the most'. She and I would go for long drives, even when I was just a kid. Sometimes it was for function, like our cigarettes runs to Delaware. And sometimes, it was just the pure pleasure of driving with all the windows down. I would snake my arm through the wind and we would harmonize on the chorus. This song made me cry, even before she died. I played it at her funeral.
2. Will You Take This Man? - Diamanda Galas
Pure, unbridled rage from a woman scorned. The first time I ever heard this, my body was shocked into stillness. The bass lines, the lyrics, the venomnous delivery. It's the anthem for every time I put everything I had into a relationship, only to be done horribly wrong.
3. Come On Darkness - Camper Van Beethoven
In the most sorrowful, desperate moments of just wanting it all to stop, this is the song living in my heart. One of two songs I want played at my funeral.
4. I'm Feeling Good - Nina Simone
I play this whenever I'm truly happy and things are going exactly the way I want them to. Nina Simone was an absolute goddess of the blues, so even her happier material is still tinged with sadness. This is one of the best songs in the world to play at top volume while driving very, very fast.
5. You Are the Everything - REM
When I was sixteen, the summer right before my senior year, I had this boyfriend that I was helplessly in love with. My first real love. My sun rose and set on him, he was the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on and he was with me. I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me. He played this song for me on his guitar. Unfortunately, he didn't even come close to returning my love and my heart was put through the proverbial wringer with his candy-coated lies. All of them designed to not hurt me, but doing the exact opposite in the end. This song will always be those three months, that painfully gorgeous summer. He's dead now.
6. Straight To You - Nick Cave
This is the song I danced to with my husband at our wedding in 1998.
7. Disintegration - The Cure
This is the soundtrack to my leaving him in 2000.
8. So Happy Together - The Turtles
Actually a techno remix of this song that I heard at the first rave I ever attended. It was September of 2000. I laid on a blanket under a glittering night sky full of stars and watched two of my best friends (who are married to each other) dance to this. A moment of absolute joy for them and them alone. I decided that it was what love looked like. I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life. They're still together and still strong. I was invited to attend the renewal of their wedding vows in Vegas last year and cried like a little girl when they kissed.
9. I Ate Something Out of the Medicine Cabinet - The Happy Flowers
This is when I discovered that music didn't have to make sense or be pretty to be beautiful. Dada in music form.
10. Who Are You? - Tom Waits
The girl I struggle to not be, on a daily basis. I don't always succeed.
11. Everything by Otis Redding
Otis is the king. The king is dead. Long live the king.
12. Cure For Pain - Morphine
The reason why I have opium poppies tattooed behind my ears.
13. No. 13 Baby - the Pixies
Some bands just strike an automatic chord within you the very second you hear them for the first time. The first time I ever heard the Pixies was in a store on South Street that no longer exists. It was this song.
Combine that with being forced to leave her couch on the side of the road in South Philadelphia because it wouldn't fit through Thee Pumpkin Girl's door, the fact that the pagan group I've been a member of for four years just broke up tonight, I'm slightly sick and bordering on PMS and you have an extraordinarily unhappy and depressed Tara.
There's been a lot of change brewing, something which I don't deal well with, even under normal circumstances. Even when it's good change, like getting my leopard-print couch back after five years or being gifted with a lovely and enormous bookcase.
I'm constantly startled by walking into different rooms in this apartment because things are so different. It's not always a good feeling, usually very unsettling. It's always the feeling of this isn't where I'm supposed to be that brushes up against my face, like walking through a hanging spiderweb in the dark. That uncomfortable shiver and uncontrollable brief moment of panic.
Maybe it's just me.
---
stolen from
disastridsix songs that mean something to me (however, I'm going to cheat and name 13):
1. American Pie - Don McLean
Some of my most cherished memories of my mother are of us singing this song together in her car. It's happened more than once, which is why I saw 'some of my most', rather than 'one of the most'. She and I would go for long drives, even when I was just a kid. Sometimes it was for function, like our cigarettes runs to Delaware. And sometimes, it was just the pure pleasure of driving with all the windows down. I would snake my arm through the wind and we would harmonize on the chorus. This song made me cry, even before she died. I played it at her funeral.
2. Will You Take This Man? - Diamanda Galas
Pure, unbridled rage from a woman scorned. The first time I ever heard this, my body was shocked into stillness. The bass lines, the lyrics, the venomnous delivery. It's the anthem for every time I put everything I had into a relationship, only to be done horribly wrong.
3. Come On Darkness - Camper Van Beethoven
In the most sorrowful, desperate moments of just wanting it all to stop, this is the song living in my heart. One of two songs I want played at my funeral.
4. I'm Feeling Good - Nina Simone
I play this whenever I'm truly happy and things are going exactly the way I want them to. Nina Simone was an absolute goddess of the blues, so even her happier material is still tinged with sadness. This is one of the best songs in the world to play at top volume while driving very, very fast.
5. You Are the Everything - REM
When I was sixteen, the summer right before my senior year, I had this boyfriend that I was helplessly in love with. My first real love. My sun rose and set on him, he was the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on and he was with me. I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me. He played this song for me on his guitar. Unfortunately, he didn't even come close to returning my love and my heart was put through the proverbial wringer with his candy-coated lies. All of them designed to not hurt me, but doing the exact opposite in the end. This song will always be those three months, that painfully gorgeous summer. He's dead now.
6. Straight To You - Nick Cave
This is the song I danced to with my husband at our wedding in 1998.
7. Disintegration - The Cure
This is the soundtrack to my leaving him in 2000.
8. So Happy Together - The Turtles
Actually a techno remix of this song that I heard at the first rave I ever attended. It was September of 2000. I laid on a blanket under a glittering night sky full of stars and watched two of my best friends (who are married to each other) dance to this. A moment of absolute joy for them and them alone. I decided that it was what love looked like. I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life. They're still together and still strong. I was invited to attend the renewal of their wedding vows in Vegas last year and cried like a little girl when they kissed.
9. I Ate Something Out of the Medicine Cabinet - The Happy Flowers
This is when I discovered that music didn't have to make sense or be pretty to be beautiful. Dada in music form.
10. Who Are You? - Tom Waits
The girl I struggle to not be, on a daily basis. I don't always succeed.
11. Everything by Otis Redding
Otis is the king. The king is dead. Long live the king.
12. Cure For Pain - Morphine
The reason why I have opium poppies tattooed behind my ears.
13. No. 13 Baby - the Pixies
Some bands just strike an automatic chord within you the very second you hear them for the first time. The first time I ever heard the Pixies was in a store on South Street that no longer exists. It was this song.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-31 03:57 am (UTC)Sitting in my living room in a bag. ;)
Sorry, I've had a lot of craziness going on lately and haven't been able to make it to the post office. This week, I promise. AND I DO NOT BREAK PROMISES.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-31 05:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-01 04:22 am (UTC)I'm going to send them priority mail, but I'm afraid even with that they won't make it in time. And this way, you'll have fun stuff to read while on vacation!
When do you leave?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-01 04:35 pm (UTC)