(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

A large furry creature has apparently taken up residence in my sinuses. Said creature has also brought along its mates, High-Running Fever and Wracking Cough, to be its roommates.

I simply can not be held accountable for my actions during this time period. Especially not when the underside of my nose is so chafed and sore.

Additionally, one of the cats (Nympho) has begun to pull out his own fur. In great clumps. All over the living room floor. In abject horror, I stood in the hallway this morning and watched him do it. Lick, lick, lick, *ptui!*

He has several little bald patches along his underbelly. Quite lovely. I've since composed the following memo to be put into his inbox:

To: Nympho
CC: the other four cats
From: She Who Feeds You and Doesn't Kick You Off the Bed
Subject: Knock it the fuck off with the fur pulling

My esteemed compatriot,

Please to be not pulling out your own fur. It's bad enough that I have this impulse control disorder, but you really don't need to follow suit. It's not impressive. Also, it scares me when I wake up in the morning and find several patches of grey all over the carpet. Yesterday, I thought we had kittens roaming the apartment. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that it was not kittens I was becoming overrun with, but clumps of inanimate fur.

Couldn't you attempt to emulate me in any other of my more respectable traits? I recommend the 'having a job and paying my own way' trait. It's a rather nice one to have and enables one to buy shiny things to bat across the floor. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

I would also appreciate it if you could please let me know why you're pulling your fur out? I generally pull out my hair when I'm stressed. You, however, are a cat and subsequently, are not exposed to the same levels of stress that I am. Your chief worry is whether you can get to the prime spot on the couch before any of the other cats do or whether I'm going to roll out of bed before noon and feed you.

Additionally, if the reason why you're pulling out your fur be something simple and inexpensive to change that would be fantastic (ex. being upset that my shoes are still in the living room, not liking the fact that I haven't gotten you stoned on catnip in quite some time, or wishing to increase the number of treats you are given in a day).

Failing all of this, you're getting a trip to the vet's office. The last time you visited the doctor, you made quite a spectacle of yourself and that was only to get your blood sugar checked. If you make me take you there again, I'm going to, quite deliberately and with complete malice, ask for your temperature to be taken and your ears cleaned. And I'm sure we all remember how much you simply just love those things.

In other words: keep it up, jerkoff, or your ass is going to be sore for the next week and your ears will be filled with fluid, to boot.

I trust that I have made myself perfectly clear?

Warmest Regards,
She Who Has No Qualms About Putting You In the Goddamn Cat Carrier and Taking You to the Place of Bad Smells and Sore Asses

Comments

[vivaemptiness.livejournal.com]

awwwwww! poor kitty. :(