(no subject)
May. 26th, 2006 07:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreehoom.
I have much to say, but am not quite sure how to precisely go about letting any of it out.
I'll try, though.
Over the past couple of days, I've been up in Queens and tending to my girl. A lot of the time, I generally felt very helpless and at odds with myself; what does someone do for a person they love very much when that loved person is in so much obliterating pain?
So, I did what I do best: I cleaned the kitchen, I sat around and talked a world of trash, I smoked cigarettes on the front step, I snorted when I laughed too hard and I listened to every thing she had to say. At the end of it all, as I drove the perilous drive out of New York and back to New Jersey, I still felt helpless in the face of all this wretchedness, but I'd done what I could. I just wish I could do more.
I've never before heard of someone who was loved so fiercely and by so many people. I've never heard a single bad thing said about Bob. That's not to say nothing bad has ever been said about him or that he was some kind of super-human, over-evolved with a giant, shiny brain and no petty human emotions. He has faults, we all have them. We're all human, after all. But, I've never heard anything bad spoken of him. And time and time again, as I read everyone's words and their memories of him, I noticed how everyone speaks of how kind he was and how funny he was and how gentle he was.
It jumps up my ass so fucking much that someone this great, someone who brought so much happiness to my girl, was taken from her when there are so many other people in this world who do nothing but bring misery wherever they go. How is it fair that someone like Bob dies so young and so full of potential? It's not fucking fair.
There are friends of mine, down here in South Jersey, who have only experienced Bob through my words. I would stand there and say Dude, you've got to hear about this boy my friend is dating. He rocks the fucking house. And they would say Really? And I would say Yeah. He knits. And he has all those awesome tattoos. And he plays the banjo and wears a cowboy hat. And he's funny as motherfucking hell. And he's a natural redhead. And he makes her so goddamn happy. My friends would look at me and be like Dang, that is one fine man. and I would nod and say Yes, he is. And if I were single and he wasn't dating one of my best friends, I would snatch the shit out of him. And we would laugh, wishing on the inside that we all knew more people like him.
Bob was the absolute rocking-est person I've never met. We were supposed to meet on several occasions, with both of enormously excited about meeting the other, but it just never happened and the three of us always thought there would be more time for trips to each other's houses and converging upon Cape May for Zombie-Beach-Party-A-Go-Go.
It's what one naturally does, right? Automatically assumes that there is going to be more time. I would like to say that from now on, I'm not going to take things for granted. I'd like to make a grand, poetic speech about how precious life is and how chances shouldn't be wasted. But, life has a tricky tendancy of getting in one's way. Bills need to be paid, people catch colds, the cat throws up on your favourite shirt, you get a flat tire, or you just plain don't feel like coming out of the fucking house. It happens, I accept this. These things and I are very well aquainted. And I really don't have it in me right now to make any inspiring speeches, I'm too fucking sad and pissed off to do it at the moment.
I can't make promises that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to buy the world a Coke, but I can say that I will make an attempt to be a bit more careful with those I love. As much as I am able.
I've got more to say, but I can't do it. Not right now. Maybe not ever. My storm may wind down to a mewling squall before long; it's been known to happen before. I exhaust myself with all the piss and vinegar before I've managed to get out everything I wanted.
I have much to say, but am not quite sure how to precisely go about letting any of it out.
I'll try, though.
Over the past couple of days, I've been up in Queens and tending to my girl. A lot of the time, I generally felt very helpless and at odds with myself; what does someone do for a person they love very much when that loved person is in so much obliterating pain?
So, I did what I do best: I cleaned the kitchen, I sat around and talked a world of trash, I smoked cigarettes on the front step, I snorted when I laughed too hard and I listened to every thing she had to say. At the end of it all, as I drove the perilous drive out of New York and back to New Jersey, I still felt helpless in the face of all this wretchedness, but I'd done what I could. I just wish I could do more.
I've never before heard of someone who was loved so fiercely and by so many people. I've never heard a single bad thing said about Bob. That's not to say nothing bad has ever been said about him or that he was some kind of super-human, over-evolved with a giant, shiny brain and no petty human emotions. He has faults, we all have them. We're all human, after all. But, I've never heard anything bad spoken of him. And time and time again, as I read everyone's words and their memories of him, I noticed how everyone speaks of how kind he was and how funny he was and how gentle he was.
It jumps up my ass so fucking much that someone this great, someone who brought so much happiness to my girl, was taken from her when there are so many other people in this world who do nothing but bring misery wherever they go. How is it fair that someone like Bob dies so young and so full of potential? It's not fucking fair.
There are friends of mine, down here in South Jersey, who have only experienced Bob through my words. I would stand there and say Dude, you've got to hear about this boy my friend is dating. He rocks the fucking house. And they would say Really? And I would say Yeah. He knits. And he has all those awesome tattoos. And he plays the banjo and wears a cowboy hat. And he's funny as motherfucking hell. And he's a natural redhead. And he makes her so goddamn happy. My friends would look at me and be like Dang, that is one fine man. and I would nod and say Yes, he is. And if I were single and he wasn't dating one of my best friends, I would snatch the shit out of him. And we would laugh, wishing on the inside that we all knew more people like him.
Bob was the absolute rocking-est person I've never met. We were supposed to meet on several occasions, with both of enormously excited about meeting the other, but it just never happened and the three of us always thought there would be more time for trips to each other's houses and converging upon Cape May for Zombie-Beach-Party-A-Go-Go.
It's what one naturally does, right? Automatically assumes that there is going to be more time. I would like to say that from now on, I'm not going to take things for granted. I'd like to make a grand, poetic speech about how precious life is and how chances shouldn't be wasted. But, life has a tricky tendancy of getting in one's way. Bills need to be paid, people catch colds, the cat throws up on your favourite shirt, you get a flat tire, or you just plain don't feel like coming out of the fucking house. It happens, I accept this. These things and I are very well aquainted. And I really don't have it in me right now to make any inspiring speeches, I'm too fucking sad and pissed off to do it at the moment.
I can't make promises that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to buy the world a Coke, but I can say that I will make an attempt to be a bit more careful with those I love. As much as I am able.
I've got more to say, but I can't do it. Not right now. Maybe not ever. My storm may wind down to a mewling squall before long; it's been known to happen before. I exhaust myself with all the piss and vinegar before I've managed to get out everything I wanted.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-26 11:44 pm (UTC)Thank you for saying a lot of things which have been echoing and swirling around my brain as well. For what it's worth, you are one of my favorite people, no matter how infrequently and un-often we have hung out In Person.