(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

It has been suggested on more than one occasion in the past few months that I may have some difficulty with "letting things go".

Confused? Probably not, if'n you know me, but I'll explain further anyway.

I'm more than a touch morbid in that I seem to have an undeniable attraction to dead things. Wee animals in jars, animal skulls, human cremains. It all holds a strange fascination to me, to the point where I actively collect these things.

I've also started talking about preservation methods for my pets. Out of the animals from my household who have died in the past four years, I have more of them in my freezer (and the Engineer's freezer) than I do in the ground or cremation boxes. I've talked about preserving some of them in fluid, in clear jars, for display (and I still think this isn't a bad idea). I've made semi-serious jokes about having my marmelade cat, Baby, taxidermied when he finally dies. But, instead of having him frozen into an unnatural pose, I want him filled with those tiny styrofoam balls they put in squishy pillows. And a heating pad. So I can still sit on the couch and rub his belly into oblivion.

When discussing these things a couple of weeks ago, it mentioned to me that perhaps all of this is the reason why I am so drawn to funeral service and am so determinedly (is that a word?) pursuing my education in it.

And honestly? I am not sure sometimes.

I have an incredibly strong fear of death, which has gotten much worse since my mother died and I have grown older. I obsess over it. I lie in bed in the little hours of night, unable to sleep because my head is full of "what if...?"s. I paralyze myself with thoughts of car accidents, gun attacks, and malignant cancers. A terror grips me when I think of what comes next after this life; my religion has been shaken to its core and barely provides shelter to me any longer.

All of this is so bizarre to me. I used to be perpetually suicidal; I've attempted it three times in my life when I was younger. Everything hurt so fucking much, I just wanted it all to stop. And as I grew older, I recognized I couldn't ever put those I loved through the particular kind of hellish pain the survivors are left holding, but the thought of self-annhilation was never very far from my mind.

Now? The very idea makes me sick to my stomach. Suicide is now an abomination to me. Mine, or anyone else's.

I don't understand any of it, personally. My brain has become such a whirlwind over the past few years that I'm not sure how I even get my boots on, half of the time. I'm so tightly wound, if one were to flick me, I'd probably *ping!* like a fine crystal wine goblet. Which is hilarious when I think about it, because I'm always hollaring at the Engineer for being uptight and how he needs to be more laid-back.

I think I need to go smoke a cigarette and shake this off my back. Who writes this shit on a Saturday afternoon, anyway?



My biggest fear is if I let you go,
You'll come and get me in my sleep.

Comments

[bluemoonbaby.livejournal.com]

http://www.lifegem.com/

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

You know me far too well.

[rhiann31.livejournal.com]

It's not just you. Being on the other side of a suicide, and not just an attempt, has changed me in ways that I'm still trying to understand. I thought that I was miss cremation, but when Dot went, I changed my mind. It seems like everything has changed over the last number of years - things that I thought were a done-deal (in how I think about things) are now being called into question. I don't know...I think that some recent event have brought up the skeletons and now looking at the old shit with eyes that have more mileage than when things first happened, just changes your point of view. Things are more shades of grey now than ever. And the absolutes that we created for ourselves in our teens and twenties don't hold anymore.

Dammit. I need some nature time.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

I need some nature time.

Yeah, I think a lot of this needs to be discussed while we burn things.

[rhiann31.livejournal.com]

dig it....and soon.

[ninjalie.livejournal.com]

I can get your fascination with death and stuff like that, I've always had a thing for it and I used to research different procedures for dealing with remains. Anthony and I have discussed that we don't know what we'd do when my Mauu Mauu dies, we think we should mummify him and it's something we fully intend to do. I'm not really sure HOW yet, but I'd like to.

[lachupacabra.livejournal.com]

thats a lot of the shit most ppl are afraid to think about @ all.
so imagine, if you will, how tightly wound YOU are,
they must be 38495749 times that much
?

as for the preservation of your pets, ive done it with mine.
(just the bones)
you have to let them stay in the ground for a good long
time or digging them up will be really really icky.