blood breath and bone
Dec. 12th, 2002 12:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeTemperance. Could that be what I'm beginning to learn? Even after all this time of being a raging ball of piss, vinegar, and spit?
I believe that the Priest They Call Him is working his priestly influence on me. Either that, or I'm just having a moment of weakness.
I'm watching the Laramie Project. Which, for those of you who don't know, is a movie made about the murder of a young gay man named Matthew Sheppard. I watch it and my heart bleeds for the families involved. I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. The Sheppards lost their son. And the families of the two murderers lost their sons.
There's a scene of one woman, talking about the jury selection. About how they made the one defendant sit in on the selection. And each potential juror was asked "Could you put this man to death?"
And with almost no failing, they said yes.
My mind reeled. Would I have been able to sentence someone to death? While looking straight into their face? At first, I thought I couldn't. That it would be too horrific to be the one who delivers that blow. Life is sacred. It's a gift.
But...
Thoughts of how I would feel if it had been TPTCH who had been murdered. The loss that would surround me, knowing I'd never giggle with him anymore. Or drink endless tea at the diner. Or talk in our funny little voices about how I'd never be able to pass as his "safety" wife in front of the church. And even though he is very alive right now, and his God grant him for a very long time to come, I felt this...rage sweep my entire body.
My fingers balled into fists, without the rest of me even realising it. Heart quicken. Breath shorten. Narrowed eyes.
I know what it's like to want someone's death. Desire it with every fiber of my being. I've felt the dull thud of a marble ashtray reverberate through my hands and wrists as I attempted to bring it down on someone's skull. The person I was defending that day wasn't very dear to me.
Now multiply that feeling by a thousand. And that's how I would feel if someone harmed a single one of my dearest loved.
Temperance? Perhaps not today.
I'm still too green and I love far too fiercely.
Maybe it's a curse.
I believe that the Priest They Call Him is working his priestly influence on me. Either that, or I'm just having a moment of weakness.
I'm watching the Laramie Project. Which, for those of you who don't know, is a movie made about the murder of a young gay man named Matthew Sheppard. I watch it and my heart bleeds for the families involved. I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. The Sheppards lost their son. And the families of the two murderers lost their sons.
There's a scene of one woman, talking about the jury selection. About how they made the one defendant sit in on the selection. And each potential juror was asked "Could you put this man to death?"
And with almost no failing, they said yes.
My mind reeled. Would I have been able to sentence someone to death? While looking straight into their face? At first, I thought I couldn't. That it would be too horrific to be the one who delivers that blow. Life is sacred. It's a gift.
But...
Thoughts of how I would feel if it had been TPTCH who had been murdered. The loss that would surround me, knowing I'd never giggle with him anymore. Or drink endless tea at the diner. Or talk in our funny little voices about how I'd never be able to pass as his "safety" wife in front of the church. And even though he is very alive right now, and his God grant him for a very long time to come, I felt this...rage sweep my entire body.
My fingers balled into fists, without the rest of me even realising it. Heart quicken. Breath shorten. Narrowed eyes.
I know what it's like to want someone's death. Desire it with every fiber of my being. I've felt the dull thud of a marble ashtray reverberate through my hands and wrists as I attempted to bring it down on someone's skull. The person I was defending that day wasn't very dear to me.
Now multiply that feeling by a thousand. And that's how I would feel if someone harmed a single one of my dearest loved.
Temperance? Perhaps not today.
I'm still too green and I love far too fiercely.
Maybe it's a curse.
