his plane was his mistress

[thejunipertree]

Hmmmm.

These feelings twist me up inside.

I've fairly much resigned myself to the fact that
I am indeed losing Richard. I don't hold too
much hope at the moment. Only sometimes does this
bother me, as I've grown so very weary of
fighting what seems to be a losing battle, at its
very best.

Is it beating a dead horse? Or fighting to
survive? I can't tell the difference anymore.
And my heart has been so scattered lately that
I'm unable to pinpoint how I feel about anything.
All I know is that I feel strongly. What I feel
strongly about is anyone's guess. I'm all out
of answers at the moment.

*sighs*

I have fleeting moments of happiness, found in
unexpected places. I'm shocked at the level of
contentment that I've found in these unexpected
places, as well.
Sometimes you meet people that you just *click*
with. I've met one of those people. I wonder if
there is a reason for that? Or if it's just
another event in my life, lying in wait for me
to turn it upside down.

Richard tells me that he loves me. That he'll
never stop. He tells me that he doesn't want to
lose me, always wants me in his life. But, his
words ring so very hollow as of late. And it
pains me to no extent. I try to be cheerful.
I keep the painted smile on under my mask, just
in case it slips. But, it wears on me. More than
I can take? I'm not sure.

It's just so goddamn hard to be hopeful when
I feel as if everything which I've worked for in
the past year and a half is slowly spiraling down
the drain and there isn't a fucking thing I can
do to stop it. Or even if I /want/ to stop it.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know
what I'm feeling. I don't know how to vocalise
it to anyone around me. I've been hiding from my
friends because it tires me out to continually
put on a show of "I'm not upset. No. Really."

The Goose brings me out of my shell with kind
words and kisses. He helps me. He amazes me.
He quotes the Simpsons and makes me laugh until
I can't breathe. He loves me and I welcome it.
I feel things for him which I'm afraid of putting
into words, for fear it will bring down a mighty
jinx that I am all too familar of.

I think what all of this boils down to is that
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving up. I'm afraid
of going on. I'm scared of leaving or staying.

What do you do in a situation like that?

Bury your head in the fucking sand, like I always
do.