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thejunipertreeI left my job yesterday. That went rather well,
my department even got me a cake. Which was quite
surprising, to tell you the truth.
Now is the time for me to start the new job and
I've been pulling back into myself, the same
was I did the last time. Though, the reasons
are different this time go round. It still amounts
to the same thing. I am miserable.
The other night, I got into a bit of a "situation"
with the Engineer. He was upset about the things
I posted on alt.gothic under a 6ex thread.
6 sexual situations which you can't tell the full
story about. I posted. He read it. And didn't
like it.
It wasn't the fact that I'd done those things
or the fact that I wasn't ashamed of them. He just
can't take hearing about them. It makes the
bottom of his stomach drop out, he says. And
he doesn't understand why he feels like this.
It's possessiveness, I told him. And that's not
a game that I will willingly play. I am not
ashamed of any of the things which I've done
in my past, sexually, and I wouldn't take any of
them back. It's the past and it's done. I wasn't
in a box before he met me. For christ's sake,
I was MARRIED! I had to have had sex at least
once in a freaking while, right? Well, I did.
And more than once in a freaking while. God
forbid he finds out how many people I've been
with. The sheer number will give him head
explodey.
I don't know. I'm not sure how to handle this
sort of thing. I've told him everything I've
written here, except the part about the number
of people I've slept with.
I'm not angry at him for feeling this way. No.
Scratch that. I am angry. But, it's an irrational
"Why can't everybody think like I do?" kind of
anger. And it's all very without strength or
sound or fury. So, it's not even very much like
anger, when you pick it up and shake the shit
out of it.
The subject would appear to have been dropped,
thus far. And therefore concluded, at least in
his eyes. With me, however, it's a different
story. I still have those "he's being overly
possessive" irklings. And that doesn't sit
right with me. I'm no one's possession. It's
always been a sore spot with me. I belong to
nobody, but myself. A bit unfair, considering
there is only one person I ever let call me his.
And he is long gone and refuses to speak to me
anymore. I wouldn't let him do it anymore, but
I feel the hypocrite because I let him do it
then. I bypassed a lot of my mental road stops
with him, let him get away with things that
would send me, shrieking with horror, in a dead
run away from the person. A bastard, was he.
And I'll never let that happen ever again.
I'll just have to see how things go with the
Engineer and this bump in the road. There's
really not much to be done about it, at the
present moment. So, I reckon I shouldn't stress
over it.
my department even got me a cake. Which was quite
surprising, to tell you the truth.
Now is the time for me to start the new job and
I've been pulling back into myself, the same
was I did the last time. Though, the reasons
are different this time go round. It still amounts
to the same thing. I am miserable.
The other night, I got into a bit of a "situation"
with the Engineer. He was upset about the things
I posted on alt.gothic under a 6ex thread.
6 sexual situations which you can't tell the full
story about. I posted. He read it. And didn't
like it.
It wasn't the fact that I'd done those things
or the fact that I wasn't ashamed of them. He just
can't take hearing about them. It makes the
bottom of his stomach drop out, he says. And
he doesn't understand why he feels like this.
It's possessiveness, I told him. And that's not
a game that I will willingly play. I am not
ashamed of any of the things which I've done
in my past, sexually, and I wouldn't take any of
them back. It's the past and it's done. I wasn't
in a box before he met me. For christ's sake,
I was MARRIED! I had to have had sex at least
once in a freaking while, right? Well, I did.
And more than once in a freaking while. God
forbid he finds out how many people I've been
with. The sheer number will give him head
explodey.
I don't know. I'm not sure how to handle this
sort of thing. I've told him everything I've
written here, except the part about the number
of people I've slept with.
I'm not angry at him for feeling this way. No.
Scratch that. I am angry. But, it's an irrational
"Why can't everybody think like I do?" kind of
anger. And it's all very without strength or
sound or fury. So, it's not even very much like
anger, when you pick it up and shake the shit
out of it.
The subject would appear to have been dropped,
thus far. And therefore concluded, at least in
his eyes. With me, however, it's a different
story. I still have those "he's being overly
possessive" irklings. And that doesn't sit
right with me. I'm no one's possession. It's
always been a sore spot with me. I belong to
nobody, but myself. A bit unfair, considering
there is only one person I ever let call me his.
And he is long gone and refuses to speak to me
anymore. I wouldn't let him do it anymore, but
I feel the hypocrite because I let him do it
then. I bypassed a lot of my mental road stops
with him, let him get away with things that
would send me, shrieking with horror, in a dead
run away from the person. A bastard, was he.
And I'll never let that happen ever again.
I'll just have to see how things go with the
Engineer and this bump in the road. There's
really not much to be done about it, at the
present moment. So, I reckon I shouldn't stress
over it.
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(no subject)
Date: 2001-12-01 11:46 am (UTC)i wish i could say something to help! *hug.*
i can see where both of you are coming from. i was with a guy
for awhile that had been with HELLA MAD CHIXXX, YO, & i always
felt like just another notch on his bedpost, even though i had
NO reason to feel that way. he didn't treat me that way.
it was stupid & ridiculous & i was always pissed off at myself
for feeling that way because it was entirely fucking irrational
& immature of me.
& on the other hand, i have been with a fair amount of people
sexually (i just haven't had a lot of actual PIV sex), & i've had
one guy get irksome because of that. & i was like "y0, d00d, i'm
with you now, so ease down!".
i don't know. maybe he's afraid he's not anyone special to you?
i hope he really has dropped it.. festering lumps beneath the
surface suck, suck, suck, & will eventually lead to other things
exploding.
captain killjoy signing off.
(no subject)
Date: 2001-12-02 01:52 pm (UTC)convince him of something, only I have no
idea what the hell I should be convincing him
of.
He's not even sure why he feels this way.
And I just don't know what to say to him
about it.
hmmmm.
Date: 2001-12-02 10:54 pm (UTC)Perhaps you should just file this away for future reference. I'm not sure you need to worry so much about it now, but if it becomes a pattern.....then there's definitely cause for concern.
here's hoping it's a non-issue.