(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2010 07:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeI had to take the day off from work yesterday and do a bunch of driving around, from one school to the other, because MCCC told me the week prior they had lost my goddamn transcripts. The ones I hand-delivered back in March, remember those? Yeah. Lost them. Poof!
So, I hie my ass hither and yon to get new transcripts, then drive up to the school. Upon plunking my ass down in the financial aid office with the woman who told me to calm down, miss on the phone, I find out that now the system is showing they have them.
What the actual fuck?
This is just not cool, but all I can do is laugh. It's either laugh or start screaming hysterically. I am wound tightly as of lately. If one would take their finger and flick my arm, I would most likely ting! like fine crystal.
It's so frustrating, all of this. Half the time, I'm not even sure what the point of all of this is. Is it avoiding a fate like my mother's? Working a dead and menial job for the rest of my life until I find myself in an early grave? Or am I just chasing some stupid ideal pounding into my head since my head was able to be pounded into? This stupid dream.
At any rate, I am now at least registered for four classes (remember that part about me being part time for the time being? Not happening, apparently), with three online and one in person. I can only take one funeral services class because I still need a final anatomy and physiology course, but there's nothing available for me this semester, so I'm taking a bunch of doofy electives online to pass the time and keep the loan servicing agents off my neck. Abnormal psych, Moral Choices, and Women in Literature. And so it goes.
A bright and shining spot in the day, or at least one I am attempting to cling to in a fake-it-till-you-make-it sort of way is that I finally received my diploma. I stood out in the parking lot with the sun beating down on my head with the Engineer's fifteen-year old cousin standing next to me (she's visiting from California and I stole her away for the day to keep me company). I opened the thick navy blue folder the diploma had been placed in and read the words granting me a degree.
It's so fucking weird. And I kept saying so. Shelby, the cousin, asked what was so strange about it. I told her how I'm the first person in my family to receive a degree, the first to have even graduated high school, let alone college. But, now I've got this fancy piece of very expensive paper to broadcast that accomplishment. I want nothing more than to show it to my mother, because she's the only one of my blood who would really give a damn that it even happened.
My father thinks it's great that I'm going to school, but it's in this kind of meandering and vague way. He doesn't understand why I need a degree to do what I want to do and thinks it's kind of ridiculous. Middle Brother just gets kind of quiet when I talk about it and has, once or twice, accused me of being a braggert when I talked about my grades.
My mother would have taken my hands in her own and kissed my face, over and over. She always loved it when I did things she was never able to do and even though I never heard much in the way of I'm proud of you, I could at least feel it coming off of her in waves.
I'd like to feel that at least once in a while from the remaining family. I recognize it's just me beating myself against that brick wall again, but the desire remains.
So, I hie my ass hither and yon to get new transcripts, then drive up to the school. Upon plunking my ass down in the financial aid office with the woman who told me to calm down, miss on the phone, I find out that now the system is showing they have them.
What the actual fuck?
This is just not cool, but all I can do is laugh. It's either laugh or start screaming hysterically. I am wound tightly as of lately. If one would take their finger and flick my arm, I would most likely ting! like fine crystal.
It's so frustrating, all of this. Half the time, I'm not even sure what the point of all of this is. Is it avoiding a fate like my mother's? Working a dead and menial job for the rest of my life until I find myself in an early grave? Or am I just chasing some stupid ideal pounding into my head since my head was able to be pounded into? This stupid dream.
At any rate, I am now at least registered for four classes (remember that part about me being part time for the time being? Not happening, apparently), with three online and one in person. I can only take one funeral services class because I still need a final anatomy and physiology course, but there's nothing available for me this semester, so I'm taking a bunch of doofy electives online to pass the time and keep the loan servicing agents off my neck. Abnormal psych, Moral Choices, and Women in Literature. And so it goes.
A bright and shining spot in the day, or at least one I am attempting to cling to in a fake-it-till-you-make-it sort of way is that I finally received my diploma. I stood out in the parking lot with the sun beating down on my head with the Engineer's fifteen-year old cousin standing next to me (she's visiting from California and I stole her away for the day to keep me company). I opened the thick navy blue folder the diploma had been placed in and read the words granting me a degree.
It's so fucking weird. And I kept saying so. Shelby, the cousin, asked what was so strange about it. I told her how I'm the first person in my family to receive a degree, the first to have even graduated high school, let alone college. But, now I've got this fancy piece of very expensive paper to broadcast that accomplishment. I want nothing more than to show it to my mother, because she's the only one of my blood who would really give a damn that it even happened.
My father thinks it's great that I'm going to school, but it's in this kind of meandering and vague way. He doesn't understand why I need a degree to do what I want to do and thinks it's kind of ridiculous. Middle Brother just gets kind of quiet when I talk about it and has, once or twice, accused me of being a braggert when I talked about my grades.
My mother would have taken my hands in her own and kissed my face, over and over. She always loved it when I did things she was never able to do and even though I never heard much in the way of I'm proud of you, I could at least feel it coming off of her in waves.
I'd like to feel that at least once in a while from the remaining family. I recognize it's just me beating myself against that brick wall again, but the desire remains.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-30 01:55 am (UTC)It's weird.
Nonetheless, CONGRATULATIONS. It's been a long time coming, and I am proud of you. And even more so for refusing to NOT follow your dreams and find a way to make it happen. I only wish I could be half as determined and strong. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-31 05:53 am (UTC)I have such a goddamn hard time with this concept. The actuality of it, I know in my head all too well. But, I still can't shake this ever-burning need for my actual blood to recognize me. It is endlessly frustrating.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-31 06:18 am (UTC)At my mom's funeral, as I was shaking like a leaf and almost fell into the grave (not exaggeration) a cousin I had not seen in about 12 years came up to me and said, "you have no idea hoe special your mother was. One day, I will tell you." He was lucky I was so xanaxed up, I didn't have the strength to punch him in his smug face.
Others came and said "this is so shocking, we had NO IDEA anything was wrong." That's because they had no contact with her.
My sisters chose to align with them; they found comfort in it. All of it seemed so fake and made me sick and made me realize my grandma and my mom were my family and now they are gone.
I know my family... hell, I know nobody, will ever grasp or appreciate me. Such is life, I hurt so much I don't care. I'd rather see you find the acceptance and appreciation.
Nonetheless, I really and truly am proud of you and all you have done. <3
<3
Date: 2010-07-30 02:20 am (UTC)Re: <3
Date: 2010-07-31 05:47 am (UTC)I'm sorry I didn't call tonight like I said I would. I had a No Good, Very Bad day and came home to sulk and pout on the couch until the wee hours.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-30 02:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-31 05:57 am (UTC)It gets worse when they actually ask me what I've been up to and I'm in the thick of school-mania, so all I talk about are my classes.
My immediate family, I think it's largely due to us being stoic motherfuckers. The rest of the family, I stopped trying. :/
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-30 09:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-31 05:51 am (UTC)I keep trying to see this entire struggle as being worth it, but sometimes it just gets difficult. Especially when I start thinking about how I've got about six years left to get where I want to be.
When I think about how much debt that's going to leave me, it makes me want to throw in the towel.
I think once the new semester starts, I'll shake it off. New school and stimulation and all that. I've been out of classes since December and the inertia is starting to do my head in.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-02 10:29 pm (UTC)