Now that we've cleared that up.

[thejunipertree]

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine last night.
Still not sure whether or not it should have
been written. But, the hour was late. And I was
half-concious from lack of sleep. Sleep hasn't
exactly been a friend of mine, lately. Whenever
I'm stressed or my bodily systems are taxed,
I lose sleep. Or the desire to sleep. Strange
things come out of it. They flow into my head
and puppet me into things that I have no wish
to be into.
No matter.

I drove again today. Twenty-six years old and
I still don't have my driver's license. This is
most pathetic. But, the past ten years of my life
have been spent outside of Goblin Market, in a
big city. And there was no need for me to be
behind the wheel of a car when I could just walk.
Or take a cab. Or the bus.
Now, I'm here amongst the peach tree orchards
and apple farms. No buses come even remotely
close. Which is distressing. For me to leave the
house and do something which doesn't involve
being with a member of my family, I have to
cajole transportation from my friends. Who all
live roughly half an hour to an hour away from
me. I do not like this. I don't like being so
dependant upon the kindness of others to get me
from Point A to Point B. Especially when I'm in
no mood for cajoling.
However, it's something that I must deal with. As
I've gotten my own stupid self into this
situation. With no true way of getting out at the
moment.

I hesitate from truely letting loose into a full
scale rant, the likes of which I am (in)famous
for. Mainly for the fact that I'm unsure of how
accessible this journal is. I had a journal on
a past website of mine, but was constantly
anxious about what I wrote because everyone I knew
read it. It tended to colour my words. It curbed
my freedom. I didn't say as I pleased. Therefore,
the journal lost its allure.
Hopefully, this won't be the case with this one.
As I truly need a place to unleash the chittering
in my head.
It gets more difficult, as the days go by. Keeping
this mask plastered across my face. The smile.
The nod. The "No, really! I'm quite fine, thank
you!" It's all so very...sickening. For once,
I'd like to be able to tell someone exactly what
I'm feeling at the moment. With no fear of
repurcussion. Richard has been quiet and scared
as of late because of the moods I've worked myself
into.
I can't blame him for these feelings, because
whenever he gets depressed, I become a paranoid
maniac. Yay delusions!
I've yet to hear from him today. As the months go
by, this seems to be a gradual change to the norm
of communication between he and I.
I'm not sure I'll ever see him again, to tell you
the honest truth.
Sometimes, I'm not even completely sure if I want
to. But, that tends to come out of me on the bad
days and nights. Of which today seems to be one
of them.

It's so quiet in the house right now. I'd put a
CD into the stereo, but I know that anything I
pick out for rotation will only reduce me to
tears. Any music seems to be having that effect
on me lately. Not a fun thing, especially when
you live and breathe music to the point that I do.


The rain is beginning to come down now. I've been
waiting for this all day long. One good thing
about living in Goblin Market is that everything
smells clean after a rain. Unlike Philadelphia.
Which only smelled of bum urine, frat boy beer,
and car exhaust.

I wonder which world I truly belong in.