white noise
Jul. 27th, 2002 02:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeThe decision has been made amongst the white noise in my head that I am cut off from almost everyone who loves me and are therefore obsolete and unneeded.
I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.
Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?
I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.
I mean, what the fuck huh?
I try and I try and I try and I try.
Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.
I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.
Sick to my fucking stomach.
I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.
Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?
I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.
I mean, what the fuck huh?
I try and I try and I try and I try.
Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.
I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.
Sick to my fucking stomach.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-27 01:19 am (UTC)Although I am no longer in this situation, I have been. In fact, I always try to help people, then feel powerless.
The fact that you care is the most important thing. The fact you are there helps more than you can ever tell.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-27 01:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 12:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 01:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 01:58 pm (UTC)(1.) I give up no responsibility, as evidenced by the rest of my entries in my journal. I never give up /trying/ to help. Not ever.
(2.) I would like to see you accomplish any of the things which I vented about feeling powerless to fix. Especially the moving a cat tree to Philly when I can't drive to the city (which actually was remedied, just not by me). Oh, and my mother having cancer. I'd REALLY love to see how you'd fix that.