white noise

[thejunipertree]

The decision has been made amongst the white noise in my head that I am cut off from almost everyone who loves me and are therefore obsolete and unneeded.

I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.

Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?

I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.

I mean, what the fuck huh?

I try and I try and I try and I try.

Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.

I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.

Sick to my fucking stomach.

Comments

[verminefasciste.livejournal.com]

i don't know who the fuck you are, but i'll gladly rip your lungs out. for science.