white noise
Jul. 27th, 2002 02:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeThe decision has been made amongst the white noise in my head that I am cut off from almost everyone who loves me and are therefore obsolete and unneeded.
I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.
Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?
I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.
I mean, what the fuck huh?
I try and I try and I try and I try.
Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.
I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.
Sick to my fucking stomach.
I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.
Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?
I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.
I mean, what the fuck huh?
I try and I try and I try and I try.
Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.
I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.
Sick to my fucking stomach.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 12:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 01:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-04 01:58 pm (UTC)(1.) I give up no responsibility, as evidenced by the rest of my entries in my journal. I never give up /trying/ to help. Not ever.
(2.) I would like to see you accomplish any of the things which I vented about feeling powerless to fix. Especially the moving a cat tree to Philly when I can't drive to the city (which actually was remedied, just not by me). Oh, and my mother having cancer. I'd REALLY love to see how you'd fix that.