From a few days ago

I'm sitting in a car this afternoon, listening to the ocean
and smoking cigarette after cigarette. Waiting. I always
get to wait. It's become a prerequisite for being me. I'm
listening to a song which brings me back to my learning
years. The years where I learned what life was really
about, the years I learned about pain and betreyal the
hard way. The years where I sacrificed my innocence
for knowledge.

"I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find the center in you.
I will chew it up and live.
I will work to elevate you.
Just enough to bring you down."

It reminds me of the fact that I haven't touched
drugs in roughly six months. Alcohol has been
a rarely seen friend in that time, as well. I have
never been so clear minded, I've never held such
crystal thoughts.

Sand in my hair, in my clothes, behind my frigging
ears even. It's been a very windy day, but I hold the
smell of the ocean and sunlight on my skin. It's
comfort.

Today, I waded out waist deep into the water and
begged Erzulie's benediction. She welcomed me
with a slap in the face, as is her way. I tasted her
salt on my lips and I smiled. Oya rain blessings
down upon my worthy skull, for I am your child.
And her child. And her child. And his child. And
their child. I belong to all of you. You are my secret
family. And you've washed the filth from my skin
with your tears.

I lift my face into the sun and feel my lips stretch
into a full on grin. This doesn't happen much, I don't
like my crooked, pointy teeth and tend to hide
them. But, I grin anyway. Thousands of tiny
sharp rocks flow against my shins, stinging me
awake. Perhaps I'm not the Dormouse after all.

Today is not the day for singing sleepily in a
teapot.

Fickle bitch

All I have to say is this:

You suck.

I've been called a liar and had my integrity
questioned. By someone who apparently doesn't
really know me as much as they would like to think
that they do.

It hurts, because I considered him to be a friend.
Despite the facts that all showed me I should
never have spoken to him in the first damn place.

I suppose this is for the best, really. And
I'm not letting it effect any happiness that I
already have going on in my life. Pack it up and
move it on, dearie girl which is me. Suck it up
and smile for the cameras.

Other than that and some other minors woes, this
week has been fabulous. I've been on vacation from
work, which involves a lot of riding in the
Engineer's car and much travel to places I've
never seen before. Like Long Beach Island, which
wasn't terribly impressive, but I did buy a Bast
oil burner and the Alice in Wonderland tarot
deck that I've been searching for for ages. I've
also done some stomping around in the Pine
Barrens, looking for a mythical chaos magician
commune that may or may not have ever existed. And
even if it DID exist, I never would have found
it because military operatives burned it to the
ground in the seventies.

Heh.

I have mosquito bites all over my legs again.
They itch.