[no smoking] day two, early evening

[thejunipertree]

I just got done pacing around the parking lot at work. On the phone with the Engineer, crying. Then laughing, then crying again.

Things have gotten significantly worse since this afternoon.

I don't think I can do this cold turkey. I really don't.

I mean, I'm willful and stubborn and all of that other fun shit, but holy fuck. This is no joke. I've never felt like this before in my entire life. It's scary.

Why do I keep crying?!

Comments

[smokeandreason.livejournal.com]

You keep crying because you're used to having a cigarette when you're on-edge (which may be more often than you think). I do it, too.

When I'm with S., I rarely smoke for the entirety of the time I'm with him (we'll say Friday night through Sunday night). I don't even smoke on the hour-plus drive on the way there.

And . . . unless something sets me off (and with the current situation, that's pretty easy), I'm able to be distracted enough to quit. It's a three-day-at-a-time quittage, but it's still quittage.

Of course, the second I'm in the car to go home, I'm niccing and craving the dopamine fix so bad that I sometimes literally can barely pull out of his driveway before I've lit one up. Because any stressor that I'd accumulated during that stay, I'd had to suppress.

I can be a variably heavy smoker; I smoke when I'm bored, I smoke after I've eaten, I smoke socially . . . but most of all, I smoke when I'm not happy. And I'm often unhappy, so I can burn 'em away like a pro.

But I'm able to stop, for those three days, because I'm distracted. And perhaps that's something that you could find to put towards your effort, if the aides such as the patch and gum and such aren't permissible. I don't know what would be an applicable distraction for you, but search your thoughts and you might find one.

Good luck. You've got my sympathies for the withdrawal and my total support for the effort you've made and will continue to make. You're strong. You can do this. And you deserve tar-free lungs. *snugz*