thejunipertree: (Default)
For some reason, my breath is caught in my throat and I'm having difficulty breathing. I feel like there is a hand pressed to my airway, slowly tightening. Is this an anxiety attack? Or am I just a doofus who needs to slow down once in awhile.

I have to be up early, so I can get the car from my mother. I, however, have no plans on going to bed soon.

rock.
thejunipertree: (Default)
It has become very obvious to me that love is really only a measure of how much pain a person can inflict upon you. The more you love someone, the more they can hurt you.

And I'm not talking little piddling kind of hurt. I speak of the big pain. Capital P. Wounds. Scars. Crippled fucking hearts. The same kind of pain that left me in a gibbering pile of sobs and snot when I was 17. When I didn't eat for two weeks straight, existing only on cigarettes (THREE packs a day) and pink lemonade. The same hurt that caused me to turn from the one who cared about me the most in this world, turn and ran straight into the arms of another person who would inflict wound upon wound on my already beaten and battered skin.

Thinking back on it now, I was only running because I was wounded. And because I saw the stability that the Cheshire Cat offered me. The stability that scared the shit out of me. I've never been the sort of character who wanted that type of thing. I've always wanted explosion and dum dum bullets riccoheting off the walls. I've wanted an adversary, an equal. Someone who always kept me guessing.

The Cheshire Cat couldn't offer me that, bless his sweet heart. And neither could Richard, though I fooled myself into believing he could. I still don't have it. And that thought leaves me shaking to my very bones because I don't wish to cause the same pain on the Engineer as has been brought onto me.

It would seem that the only people who I've ever truly given myself over to were the ones who inflicted the most soul crushing pain. The liars. The cheaters. The boys who made me feel stupid and worthless. The ones who were light years ahead of me. And when they disappeared for good, I was left on the floor. Bleeding, panting, and broken.

And craving even more.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

A month ago I would have told you that while I was over Richard, I still loved him deeply. Now, after speaking to him at length this week (goddamn you unemployment), he only leaves me cold. Sad that I'm not the same girl who fell in love with him. And disappointed at what he did to me. But still, cold.

There's nothing left in my chest for him. The thought of him doesn't gives me a twinge anymore, except of annoyance at the lies he dropped on my flighty little skull. However, thoughts of the Antichrist will reduce me to a blithering wreck. Memories of Chris will send me into a depression for weeks.

But, the wounds from Richard seem to be closing over. They're not the deep and scarring knife edges that I once thought they were. If this maturity? Or yet another sickness festering away inside the rot I call a brain?

I say it again: What the fuck is wrong with me?

And why am I so scared of stability?
thejunipertree: (Default)
Something I forgot to note about my visit to the Wee One's apartment last night (two nights ago, technically).

She had a photo on her fridge of me and the Sensitive Artist. I don't remember it being taken or even when it was taken. But, it was obviously in one of my old apartments because we were seated on my big blue couch of doom (how I miss that couch). I didn't have bangs, or they were clipped to the side. I'm favouring the clipped to the side theory, as it's been a /very/ long time since I've had no bangs. And when I didn't have them, I also didn't have that couch.

It's a very good picture and I begged her to scan it in. I look good in it. Happy. I don't remember a time when I felt as happy as I look in that photo. And I've been sitting here, all day, wondering what it was about my life in that photo-time that made me that incredibly happy looking.

I can't figure it out. And that's bothering me.

I want to be that happy again. I want to look like that again, with that same smile.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I should be in bed, as it's getting a bit late and I haven't been sleeping very well lately. No matter, I can survive on much less sleep than I've been getting. However, the deprivation has been making my hallucinations (auditory, olfactory, and visual) a bit stronger than usual. I'm used to this.

I watched a long, black snake crawl out from under my desk this evening. It sssss'ed across the floor, then under the couch. I startled, upon first glimpse of it. I always do. And I caught myself just before saying something to my mother, who was lying on the couch and is deathly afraid of slitherly reptiles. I caught myself, before voicing anything. She doesn't handle, nor acknowledge, my illness nearly as well as the other people in my life. And sometimes, I just deem it best to keep my silly mouth shut.

More water, more water. I've been drinking so much lately, I feel as if I shall turn into a puddle and squish away. Last night, I spoke to Thee Pumpkn Girl of Mister William going to India on some kind of study program. He's thinking of selling my his cello on eBay. I, of course, have been offered first dibs, though I doubt I would have the kind of money to pay for the thing. I do miss the cello. That one in particular. I spent quite some time with it. Hours upon hours of coaxing sound from it. I played with a violin bow, because that was all I had. And for a while, I only had three strings on the cello itself. Because I broke one whilst trying to tune it, then didn't have the money for about a year to replace the whole set.

I'm thinking of cutting all my hair off again. Bobbing it to just under my chin. It's getting quite long again, since the last I cut it off. And it's most troublesome. I had my mother cut off an inch or two of it this evening, because it was starting to look ratty. And because a man at world asked me if it was my own hair because it looked like extentions.

Yes, I was insulted.

So, it's cut. Dyed. And cut again. All that's left is to shave the undercut down again. Right now, though, I'm itching a bit because it would seem I didn't do that good of a job rinsing the dye from my hair in the shower. Most likely because I was too fascinated with the patterns the bluish-blackish water was making as it ran over my shoulders.

I can hear the people in the walls, again. Usually I can't listen to them unless I'm in bed, with total silence. But, I can hear them now. They're whispering, though I can't quite make out what they're saying.

This is a sure sign of something. Of exactly what, it remains unclear.

Maybe I should really think about medication, in the near future.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I know you're listening to my tapes, to all the sounds I put down for you. I can tell. It whispers to me, down along the line and through the night, the things which you do.

My fingernails are tinged blue. It's not a lack of oxygen.
thejunipertree: (Default)
Sick for the past two days, which involved much wackiness trying to get a prescription filled from the stupid fucking pharmacy. My mother is paranoid that I'm going to lose my job from all this time out, but I just can't muster the energy to care really.

I don't know, if they want to fire me, they will. I hate that fucking place. I truly do. Searching on Monster.com today provided little fruit, though I did apply for what sounds like a jobby job as someone's personal bitch assistant. Pays more than I'm making now (not difficult) and they have no children that I would have to deal with.

Every day is another scene in the "Just get through this day and everything will be fine" play. I'm getting sick of it. My life wasn't supposed to be like this, I tell you.
thejunipertree: (Default)
If I knew what was wrong with me, would I fix it?

There have been tiny darting things, just out of my vision, all day long. It's beginning to become a bit tiresome. Fae whisperings in my ear. Ghost voices in my head. I can hear you, you know. Even when you think I'm not listening, I can.

Today I decided that I was a teacup. All I need now is some warmth to be poured into me. It's so very cold in here, so cold.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I identify very closely with the archetype of the Fool. To the point where I even have it tattooed on my body in two different languages. The ink is on my right wrist, top and bottom respectively in Gaelic and Hebrew. My right hand is my brain hand. It is the one which works the hardest and makes up for the left hand's short comings. My right hand is the thinker. The drone. The busy little bee.

Alice is the Fool.

I also identify very closely with the concept of the Queen. This is also tattooed on my body, the left wrist and in the same languages. My left hand is my heart hand. I dream with this hand, I follow with these fingers. It's scarred from a nasty accident and some feeling has even been lost in two of my fingers. I don't like thinking about the day which that happened, as I can only remember a lot of blood and pain. Maybe even some screaming.

Alice is the Queen.

If I could meld these two concepts, turn them into a whole person, I think I could be a complete and happy woman. It's interesting how the two hands reflect my two halves. My right is the working side, hard working at that. It doesn't stop for breaks and frequently burns out from overuse. My left is my heart side, scarred and feeling half lost. It's afraid of being used and has grown a bit stiff from lack of movement.

My brain, it's damaged from overuse and frequently breaks down. My heart, it's broken from too many broken off inside of it and more often than that it feels as if it's about to burst.

The Fool.
The Queen.

When do I get to just be Alice?
thejunipertree: (Default)
Attempting to dye my hair, once again. It better be properly blue black by the time I'm finished or there will be one hell of a foot stomping.

After this, I plan on lounging on my bed with a copy of "The Church of Satan" by Blanche Barton. I do so love a good comedy.

My mood lifts slightly throughout the day, but settles back down around my shoulders by the time my feet hit home ground. I read words and speak thoughts and blink my eyes against the setting sun of their voices, but nothing can quite shake away the always on the edge breaking of tears.

I need to cry. But, I'm refusing. I almost always refuse. And I never let anyone see me like that.

There's a dead end before me, the only direction I can take is back. But, I always swore I'd never walk previous roads. My feet don't like familar ground and neither does my brain. The paths are my manners and thoughts, I don't wish to double back and start the journey over again. It's always harder the second time go round.

Cigarette, out.
Girl, in shower.
Black dye, on skin.
thejunipertree: (Default)
Smoking a cigarette, attempting to watch some goofy ass movie on HBO, and waiting for my laundry to dry so I can go to bed.

I seem to be stuck in some kind of blue funk. Not very much is effecting me, except for the cut on my right index finger (which occured in a freak, redneck, plastic lid to a coleslaw cup from KFC incident). I don't know. I'm not extremely fond of feeling like this.

I've been turning away when people go to touch me. A hand on the shoulder from my mother, a kiss from the Engineer. I shrink away like it's going to hurt. Everything has become dull coloured and soft padded. My edges are blurred again. I don't want anyone touching me.

I'm seriously thinking about going to the doctor for some anti-depressents when my insurance kicks in. And this, as those of you who know me well will realise, is NOT LIKE ME. I hate mood altering drugs, unless they're for recreational use.

But, I'm so sick of waking up every morning and wondering why the fuck am I even bothering. I'm tired of feeling grey and worn. Sad, for no reason.

And sad isn't even a strong enough word to cover the gamut of emotions I've been running. There are days when all I want to do is bury my head under my Hello Kitty blanket and weep.

When I'm not feeling sad, I'm a raging bitch on wheels.

Why do I feel like this? And what the fuck do I have to do to fix it?

I feel like there's nothing left inside of me.
thejunipertree: (Default)
A long time ago, I felt empty. It was as familiar to me as my own face and hands. I despised the feeling. I went through many means to end it. I drank, took drugs, catted around, pushed my body to its limits...all in an effort to fill up the emptiness which resides in the pit of my heart.

Now, I'm full. And I hate it, just as much as I hated the emptiness. There's always too much for me to say and my paltry vocabulary can't compete with the words inside my head. Half the time, I don't think that there's words and phrases to even express how I'm feeling. So, I make half assed attempts and wind up looking the fool.

This is nothing new.

My problem: How do I find a happy medium?

I'm not the girl I was ten years ago, on the brink of moving to the city and full of everlasting dreams and aspirations. That girl was lost amongst a assload of debt and drugs. I'm also not the girl I was five years ago, half sick with longing for something that never existed in the first place. I'm not even the same girl I was a single year ago. Now, she was one of the biggest fools of all. Especially with all those stars in her eyes.

I am, however, now:

*more rational than I've ever been
*conscious of how people react to my words
*less likely to fly off half cocked when hurt
*less willing to show my hurt, in the first place
*more willing to discuss problems
*semi poison free
*in more control of my schizophrenia
*more responsible for my actions

I still am overly emotional, stubborn, non-logical, arrogant, selfish, and lazy. With a whorish heart, to boot.

Those things I don't believe I'll ever get rid of. They're too deeply ingrained into my skin and psyche.

I know I've matured over the years, I know I've grown up. But, when will I ever be satisfied? Do I even want such a thing? In the past, satisfaction has always immediately equaled stagnation. I had a long, long conversation with the Engineer this evening about pushing for goals one at a time. But, what happens after I achieve these goals I've set?

Will I ever be truly happy?
thejunipertree: (Default)
Helpless.

I am completely helpless against the torrent of emotions
which flow through my on a daily basis.

I feel...

like smashing faces.

I feel like screaming. And hitting. And crying. And forgiving.

Where all of this comes from, I'm not completely sure.
I've been the most maudlin of wrecks, lately. And keeping
it hidden from those it should be hid from is becoming more
and more of a daily task.

I can only sit and stare out the window for so long.

And I completely understand where you're coming from. I know
what you're feeling. I know the hate, the anger, the betrayed
hurting heart. I know the seething poison which lies just under
your skin.

I'll never give in.
I'll never give in.
I'll never give in.
I'll never give in.
I'll never give in.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I feel like a grease spot.
This is never a good sign.

Disgusting to myself and to others.
I hate this.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I am a bundle of nerves. And I don't know why.
Mood swings, I would suppose. But, the simplest
things are raising my ire right now.

I have been uncharacteristically full of piss
and vinegar lately. Not my usual cocky wit, but
real and true callousness. It's not me. I'm
not sure how I feel about this.

I get urges to smash in the teeth of people. To
grab them by the hair, the back of the head,
and just repeatedly slam their face against
the nearest hard surface. Broken teeth. Bloody
mouth and nose. My fingers twitch. And I hate.

I never used to hate like this. I was always
the sort to live and let live. Turn the other
cheek. Forgiveness and all that rot. All of a
sudden, I have become this freakish hating
monster bitch.

I wish enormous amounts of pain upon the people
who have hurt me. I glee silently (and sometimes
not so silently) when I hear of their own trials
and tribulations.

I'm twitching again. Fucking rage. I'm not even
truly angry at anyone right now. Not true anger.
But, my fuse is quick and short. My blood is
turning to boil beneath my skin.

And I hate.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I don't wish to be myself anymore. I want to be
a doll. Or a betta fish. Or a tea cup. A wooden
spoon.

I don't want to be me, anymore.
I want to be something beautiful. Something
real. He told me that I wasn't real, a long
time ago. Not in so many words and he tried
to retract the statement later on, but that's
what he said. I know it.

I don't want this life anymore. I want someone
else's. I want to be a thousand different girls.
Pretty girls. Girls with pretty things to say.

I hate you.

Do you hear me?

I HATE YOU.
thejunipertree: (Default)
Anger. Grrrr. Hiss.

*spit*

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I get
like this over the smallest, silliest infractions?

Fucking rage. I want to break things. Kick them
when they're down. Slash tires. Sugar in the
gas tank.

I feel as if I'm about to fly apart at
any second now.

Please. Keep me held together.
thejunipertree: (Default)
Once again, I'm left not knowing what to say.
My entire life, the whirlwind. I'm beginning
to desire wanting off the ride. The pit in my
stomach has expanded and I can taste it in my
throat.
I wonder what the hell must be wrong with me
that I drive people away in such numbers?
That I can't get a firm enough grasp on reality
and how to act in social situations long enough
to make myself understood?

I don't know.
It's not even as if anything new has happened
in my current situations. It's moreso the
plays and replays which go on in my head.
Constant. Churning.

The day that I wake up and no longer be filled
with self loathing will be a very happy
day, indeed.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I don't really know what to say, most of the time.
Me, the girl with the words. The one who makes
people hide under their blankets or cry over
long forgotten memories. I never know what to say.

I cover it up well, don't I?
Sometimes, I talk so much that it annoys even me.
Yammering away like some vacant eyed fool.

But, when it comes down to it, what am I really
saying to people? What am I asking for?

Am I truly asking for the hurt which winds up
being inflicted upon my person? Do I ask for the
mental trauma and anguish? Am I begging to be
stabbed in the back? What?

Many years ago, I was labelled as being "strong".
I'd been through a lot more than what most people
my age have experienced. And my friends and
aquaintences decided that because I survived
these skirmishes, I must be a strong person.

What if I don't want to be strong? I'm sick of
it. I'm so very tired of having to keep my head
held high, the smile on my face. Even if it's
a sad, knowing smile really. What if I'm tired of
turning the other cheek and allowing that sucker
punch?

I don't want to be a fighter anymore. I want to
be weak. I want to be the wailing Victorian lady,
who gnashes her teeth and rends her hair. I want
to be the girl who swoons at a harsh word.
Two words: delicate constitution. I want to be
allowed to scream epithets into the phone long
distance at three o'clock in the morning. I want
to send hateful, psychotic letters. I want my
reply to "I'm sorry for hurting you" to be "FUCK
YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!" I want
to inflict bodily harm upon myself. I want to
inflict bodily harm upon other people. I want to
boil his fucking rabbit in a pot on his own stove
when he's away from the house. He doesn't even
own a bunny and I would never do that to an
animal, but I still WANT. I'm tired of having a backbone. I want people to coddle me.

Why?

Because the strong aren't cared about. People
blithely hurt them because they know that the
strong always survive their wounds. People
think strong people "can take it".

The strong are powerless to change their Fate.
They will always be the one left holding the
car door open in the rain. They're always the ones
who get the door slammed in their face. They are
the ones who get kicked in the teeth and stabbed
in the back.

No one is ever afraid to hurt the strong.
thejunipertree: (Default)
The strangeness of the day is seeping into
my pores. I'm typing this from work because
the evil monster has left for the day and
I can't be arsed to actually do some work
when she's not breathing down my neck and
spying on me.

Oh. The horror.

Had a bizarre dream about the Orphan
last night, which being as how I've
not spoken to him in some time, is bizarre
in itself.

The Wee One calls me at my office, we speak.
We giggle like two 12 year old girls as we
pick on the Unibomber V 2.0. He gets angry
and threatens to cut the phone cord. I think
it's because he just doesn't dig on technology.
Not because of any underhanded statement I may
or may not have made regarding the density
of his loafers.

There is a cackling hen in this office building.
She grates on my nerves about once an hour.
I've never met anyone else in my entire God
forsaken LIFE who had such an annoying laugh. I'd
pay to see her lips sewn shut. I'd pay damn
good money, as a matter of fact.
Everytime she lets loose with a chortle, I
cringe and dig my fingernails into the surface
of my desk. There's many gouges in there, not
all of them from me.

Sometimes I wonder if the drone who had this
desk before me was also plagued by that
woman's hideous laughter and clawed the marks
in the Formica in a desperate attempt to cling
to the remenents of sanity.

I hate this job.

I refuse to assimilate. My! How very PUNK RAWK
of me (oi! oi!).

But, I hate it. I hate the falseness of every one
who works within these walls. I hate how they
will all cheer "Good morning!" as I walk past.
Do I look like I'm having a good morning to you?
No. I'm awake. And I'm sober. Therefore it is
definitely NOT a good fucking morning. Out of
my way.
I hate how I'm considered "funny" because of
the things I like and do, the way I dress. I
had purple sparkly beaded scrunchies in my
transmitters the other day. It looked damn cute.
I get "You're so funny!"

You think I'm doing this for a laugh?

Tomorrow is casual day. I think I shall comment
to everyone here who wears sneakers how I
find them humourous because they're wearing
sneakers. See if they get the joke.

Somehow, I doubt this.

I feel like stapling my hand to my forehead in
post teen angst. "No one understands me! Woe!"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I FUCKING HATE?!?

The complete and utter disregard for the
English language. How people, these fuckwitted
worker bee drones, take the English language
and rape it into submission.

Case in point: "I know this isn't a regulatory
compliance question."

Regulatory?
You couldn't just use the word "regular" or
"ordinary"? No, you feel the need to use
words that you don't TRULY know the meaning of,
in an effort to sound more intelligent?

I'm on to you, fuckhead.

And the way people pronounce things, this Goddamn
South Jersey dialect. How lovely and dulcet it is
to my ears.

Any day of the week now ends with "DEE" instead
of "DAY". Everytime I hear this, I want to start
swinging a hammer.
"WUDDER" instead of "WAH-TER".
"BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL" exactly in that way. I'm not
even beginning to exagerrate.

Christ.
I know there's more. But, my brain is boggling and
I'm beginning to feel anal retentive from all of
this complaining.

Criminey.

/hammer strike.
thejunipertree: (Default)
I've gotten it all figured out.
The reason why everyone always winds up
leaving me, why I continually push people
away from me.

I'm defective. And they can sense it.

In the wild, when a mother lioness
senses something is wrong with one of her
cubs, she kills it. Or abandons it. There is
something inherently wrong in the genetic
make-up or a physical flaw. Therefore, the
cub must be destroyed for the better of the
pride. And if she doesn't do it, one of
the other pride members will.

A few years ago, I had a collection of white
mice, saved from a boa constrictor's gullet.
I think there were four of them, total.
Their names were Lucky, G Money, Homey, and
Lazarus. One of them (G Money, I think) became
pregnant and had babies. I came home one day
from work, checked on the mice and saw that
she was moving the babies from one side of
the tank we kept them in to the other. She was
crouched in one corner, holding a baby in her
little front paws. "Oh look!" I said. "She's
cleaning its little head."
Upon closer inspection, I discovered this was
not the case. She was eating its little head.

After that, one by one, she killed them all.
There was something wrong with them and she
knew it.

I have a very distinct flaw in my brain. I
don't know if it's a chemical inbalance or
something hereditary or what. But, there is
something markedly WRONG with me. And that is
why people leave. Or why I force them away
from me.

I'm sick of it.
I just want to be a normal girl.

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